lizawithazed:

sometimes you see a pun so artfully constructed you just have to stand back in awe.

lizawithazed:

sometimes you see a pun so artfully constructed you just have to stand back in awe.

ieronical:

#ThingsEmosSayDuringSex

best of  world cup 2014 । part 1
tony-starks-original-sin:

wholockedmydoor:

I don’t know what the best part of this photo is

Wait…..

tony-starks-original-sin:

wholockedmydoor:

I don’t know what the best part of this photo is

Wait…..

the-goddamazon:

THIS IS THE TYPE OF SHIT SCIENTISTS BE THINKING ABOUT AND LAUGHING THO

spartacusreinterpreted:

Like a cute, murderous, rage-driven puppy.

ging-ler:

thedizbizz:

So I showed Frozen to my boyfriend and I decided to share the brilliant commentary he made during the movie…

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This is probably going to be my Brother-in-law right here oh my god

dannyboy-to-thedoctor:

rneerkat:

*pulls out bread at wedding* i’d like to make a toast

NO YOU DON’T GET IT 

MY DAD LEGIT DID THIS IN HIS SPEECH

AT HIS OWN WEDDING

it was hidden in his inside-jacket pocket while he made his vows to my mum, and it was so top-secret that his best man had to smuggle in a slice of toast so no one saw it while he was getting ready. 

…HIS OWN FUCKING WEDDING

tastefullyoffensive:

Some of Ellen’s favorite tweets of the week. [video]

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
lizclimo:

And now, a comic about the other kind of football. Happy Birthday America.

lizclimo:

And now, a comic about the other kind of football. Happy Birthday America.

super-sootica:

frosty-flames:

Since us bisexuals, asexuals, and pansexuals don’t exist, laws do not apply
Rob a fucking bank, if you don’t exist they can’t arrest you

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epikalia:

kanyewesticle:

Look at all those ducks there are at least ten

Well, you’re not wrong.

epikalia:

kanyewesticle:

Look at all those ducks there are at least ten

Well, you’re not wrong.